.png "My Open Diary")
We all born
with same chromosome number but not with same genetic sequence which define our
personality & our thought everything decided by this. What science
says?
Then what’s
the actual existence of God, does he play any role here?
I am a true
believer of science as well as I believe in God & true believer. I am
Waiting! When that day will come when God’s existence will prove. No
matter whether god’s existence will prove or not, I love my God & will
continue too.
Sometimes I
ask one question to myself , can’t I take help from my God to write my novel as
he is very talented , he write our story in such a way that you can’t predict
what gonna happen next. Every time new turning, new role, new character enters
into your life even your life also changes according to that. Even I am saying
my predication always goes wrong , sometimes I feel like God is playing with my
brain , he is trying to make me more intelligent through make my life more
complicate than I think. Seriously! I am impressed on God’s life story writing
style. God you great.
I am saying
I have got a unique life; I am not the only person. Different people different
story , different types of pain , if I say my life is painful then I am
unnecessarily blaming God , I found many people who lose hands , some legs ,
some both , some lose eyes , ears etc. still survive , some also lose parents ,
family & everything still survive. So my pain or my struggle is less than
them. Whenever I think about them I thanks god, as he has given me a beautiful
life .yes! I have problem with my dream otherwise my life is totally find ,
even my life was good or can say excellent when I dream but didn’t know how to
get, that was inside me except me no one knew that even I was too small to make
it real . Now my time is different even my life is, so I am getting pain. May
be my GOD has planned something which I don’t know, that’s why he is trying to
make me more strong through struggle. Otherwise my life was even is good but I
am making myself more miserable, expectations & dream hurts .So to know
about me more -
Let’s go
back to 20 years back –
My
grandpapa & his forefathers were landlord but now that name has no value
even that property too. So I rise in better way, I never face any difficulties
too in my childhood period, yeah! I am not saying I am so rich but how much we
have that was enough at that time. I learnt social work from my grandpapa, he
built primary school in our village even gave land for high school too. So he
has great contribution towards our village, that’s why many people love him. If
he is alive & strong now then, I’ll surely join in politics even I can
do many things taking his name, as he was very popular even I also love to work
for others :D just joking, I am unfit for politics why I know? I
have great interest to make my own name & service to mankind but
politics is totally unfit for me.
My family
is very small; I mainly rise within 3 members – my parents & my
brothers. I lost my grandmamma when I was 8 years old or can say starting
phase of my worst life as she loved me a lot (I always lose my dear people
, specially whom I love so much . either I lose them or they leave me so now
losing someone is a greatest pain in my life)– I still remember that day when I
grandmamma died, I couldn’t understand what was going as everyone crying, I sat
beside my grand mamma’s head, she was also trying to say something but I
couldn’t understand what was going as I never face such situation, I never seen
anyone while dying. So that was purely new experience for me, everyone was
crying except me, I couldn’t cry didn’t why. I was silent while everyone was
crying but when I saw my papa burnt my grandmamma body as per Hindu custom at
that time I cried as I felt she will never come back again. (then I lost
my garn papa when I was in engineering 1st year). Slowly I entered
into complicated life, my life principle is if you love me I will love you
but if your hate me I’ll hate you too or ignore you. I mainly attracted towards
poor people, don’t know why. May be it’s because I get more love from them. Even
success touch my feet in my childhood time (till 15 years), forget about
school I also got prizes from state wise too, math Olympiad to scholarship. at
that time I have a dream to become a doctor & do the social work but did
not planned anything for my future even I did not have any options too if I’ll
not get medical what I’ll do then? As I was sure that I’ll get. Alas I didn’t
get. I really understand the life in better way after not getting medical. This
is the fact. If I got medical then I would enter into medical college then
I didn’t have to struggle more to achieve my dream J
I mainly
understand the world after left my home means after 10th board, when I 1st joined
in 11th board in KIIT University, at that time I saw many
students who secured 95% & 90% -96% … which make me feel inferior
& this is the fact even my performance was also good even as per my
performance I can get at least 88% don’t know how I lose 8% in final that also
a greatest pain in my life, due to my inferiority complex feelings I was silent
& decided to live like normal instead of participating in anything. but
gradually I got support from my teachers & when I saw my mark in first
monthly test I got strength that I also can do better , then actively
participate after that But seriously telling I didn’t feel any jealous even I
didn’t have any competitive mind , as I take myself ordinary before them. But
after making friendship with my college topper I also got inspiration to read
more & do better. Even my best friend also a very good student. She was the
leader & I was like a mouse before them. Ha, it’s true. Even many
students also there whose age was greater than me as I started my education
from early age. So I get love from everyone even I never feel jealous & I
have not any dream except getting medical. so I focus on my study only , but
after joining science club I came to know those who read well it doesn’t mean
they will be all-rounder how much knowledge I had on Gk that much
answer they also didn’t know ,which indirectly inspire me too Internally . But
I rarely give any answer because there every branch students were joining &
if I say anything everyone will laugh. As whenever I ask any question in my
class everyone laugh & comment me as doubt box & miss doubt as
I give more emphasize on KNOW THE BASE & always ask my doubt without any
fear. So I rarely give answer. Then I joined every club which enhance my
ideas even inspire me to participate. 11th board my participation
were good even I took participate in science project too but in 12th board
I quit & concentrate on my study due to my health problem even for getting
medical.
But in
coaching classes for getting medical I really understand the competitions,
everyone wants to rise making other down. At that time I saw the completions
in close view it hurt me badly when I didn’t get medical. but it’s true I
understand the REAL LIFE competitions after joining in engineering
college , at time I was fully matured ,full serious type ,no childish how I was
in college time “that’s why everyone laugh at me even on my all activities
as I do such kind of work even I had no value too :p that’s why I was popular
in name jilli billi given by my room mate. everyone call me in that
name even many though that that was my nick name whereas that name was given by
my room mate”, But failure makes me more wise even matured & serious, after
getting failure one after another I become more stronger & more
determined person. when I joined in engineering at 1st I try to enhance my
personality & try to change myself as I couldn’t tolerate failure more, but
further failure break me from inside. But that was a kind of blessing for
me, now I can realize that. After getting failure I use my mind more to do
something different, I engage myself in social work, creative writing &
painting etc. I try to use my brain more , as after getting failure after
failure & cheated from my close friends & those I help a lot I become
like stone , I show like nothing hurt me but always give me deep pain inside.
At that period I really understand the world & life. I try to read
different minds 1st & try to understand the world, finally reach in
many conclusions
– Most
important among all is if you wanna rise be complicated & imperfect.
I gonna
share my ideas & life lessons!
1) I
found that, it’s a big problem if a girl wants be all-rounder. It’s ok, if she
has great friend circle specially boys circle as boys help you
a lot than girls specially in career matters as they feel less
jealous than girls even they help you to join in many important clubs sometimes
they also help you to get better position too that’s why I saw many girls
change their boy friend time to time but they actually get more success
what I found . but if a girl is struggling alone then it’s quite difficult
to become all-rounder because you have to face many haters alone. That’s why I
found those who are good in studies they only concentrate on that only; they
rarely participate on others, those who good in other creative activities they
only focus on that, but those who wanna be both, people less support them.
If you are a boy then it’s ok, but if you are a girl & if you have no much
friends then it’s too difficult to rise. So you need friends to rise but you
have to be complicated & you don’t have to make friendship from heart
otherwise you will face problem like me.
2) In
this world we need 2 kinds of friend’s good guy’s friends who help
you in studies & work , bad guy’s friends who save you in
difficulties. As I found good people avoid any conflict, so good guys friends
can leave you in difficult time but not bad guy’s friends, they are your true
friends but it’s not wise to make friendship with them but at least you have
one or two. But to make friendship with them you have to be complicated, what I
can’t be that why I face problems. As I make friendship from heart, if
I cheated I leave them for forever. even till now I have no any bad guys
friends but once I tried in engineering carrier but I didn’t know
I’ll get severe type of punishment or life lesson. So it’s impossible for me to
make friendship with bad guys friends , as how much problems I faced in my
whole engineering career it’s because of them. So now I fear to make friendship
with such kind of people. But I wanna thanks them they make me stronger. So I
always less get support in my important period or can say not get.
3) I
found that if a woman is wanna be to do something different then why people
don’t support her if she is not belongs to that family. Means from business or
any richest family. Difficult but not impossible.
4) It’s
easy to follow the crowd but difficult to stand alone & work.
5) I
found in India we give less emphasize on development on overall basis , more in
politics & community support , I don’t care whether you believe it or
not but what I felt I told that only.
6) Now
the world is so competitive, it’s difficult to rise alone by own without taking
others help.
7) Even
if you tell truth people will not support you if you have no name.
8) People
love to interfere in others personal life than their, as it’s not easy to down
some people who are strong but indirectly can down them logically. It’s
true I make friendship from my heart but after entering into engineering I lost
all most all at that time I realize the value of friendship. No doubt no one
can change my mind even can give me bad suggestions but can give my friend even
can change their mind but it’s my problem that I didn’t try to convince my
friends further. As it hurt me badly whom I love so much they doubt on me &
leave me. So now I have no much friends as it hurts more because I make
friendship from heart not from mind but now I am trying. So I have seen what
are the rules people apply to down you & break you inside. They beat you on
your weak point. So now I have no friends, no friends no pain. No fear
for lose anyone. Life is full complicated & very difficult achieve
your dream if you are simple & take everything by heart. I realize this
when I was in engineering , as I tried in different ways to rise myself even I
tried to make friendship but failed many times . To achieve my dream I became
purely alone. I know how I lose my friends, it’s planned to down me or take
revenge on me. When people comment me like I have no friends then I answer
them ok , go back my past life & see whether I have friends or not , how
was my friendship. I may don’t have much friends but how much I have I did many
sacrifice for them even tolerate too. it’s easy to blame someone but difficult
know their past as Past can give you best answer.
9) If
you wanna be a good player then play like politicians, be complicated be
imperfect. Best way to get success.
FINAL
IMPORTANT POINT
10) When
my parents say “you changed a lot, please we want you back my past sweta”, I
answer them “No, I am ok! It’s for Survival of the fittest , if you
wanna survive then you have to fit with the circumstance. In past my
friends love me because either my friends were above me or I was above
them. In school I was always in top position so my friends love me as
a topper in college my friends were love me as I below them even
was a great entertainment part for them. But in main battle field ,
when life announced winner I was in standby situation means I struggle a lot
even did hard labor to become winner in final period of my life but was not
that much fit so I was in standby situation , life gave me chance after chance
to make me winner even I accept all challenge & problems in a positive
manner , so after facing lots of obstacle this is my present status so I
don’t wanna lose it , I am happy with this , as now I understand the life &
the world in better way, here you can’t predict anything , no one is
greater or smaller everyone born with same talent but it depends how you make
yourself , how much you do hard labor & struggle to achieve your dream. In
past I hate being jealous even I never compare myself with others but now I
force to do as it helps me to understand the life battle. I saw many of friends
who performed well in college but after 12th board they joined in
engineering instead of trying for medical as few have patience to try but still
I never give up even if I got rank *sorry , not too much good rank but
still manageable, I can join in private medical or government pharmacy* there
I tried my best to pursue my dream career , I am very suborn kind but I give up
medical dream after 2 years as my mother’s health condition became worst for me
as she was always in tension for me. She can’t see me in problem & worry,
which indirectly hurt her too. So I gave up after 2 years of medical
preparation, I got rank but that was valueless means what I want particularly I
didn’t get. Even I was continuing my zoology honors along with that too.
But my friends were enjoying in engineering career, I am too determined to get.
But when I didn’t get I still never give up , I choose engineering career &
try to enhance my future brighter there , no doubt that was quite difficult
situation for me as after 2 years of biology career joining engineering is
quite difficult still I take this challenge & start my new dream further. I
never give up my hope to achieve my dream even it gave me strength always; I
struggle each & every period & took every challenge without breaking
down internally. I miss many opportunities in career matter in my past life due
to lack of vast knowledge about the future perspective on that career still I
never lose hope to try new & be strong in that .that’s why my life is more
painful , as I take every challenges. I faced many problem & I took lots
time to understand the people & their mentality which grasp my valuable
time to get success. now I know the world in better way , now I have few
friends because those who are above me in college they don’t want to make
friendship with me now & those who below me they don’t like me except few. This
is the bitter truth about life, as now I am in struggling mode. I know
once I get success I’ll get everyone back or if I’ll give up my dream &
join with my friends they will accept me gladly even I can get further that
life , but can it give me peace for longer period . Why I
struggle till now then, to give up my dream in end period to get my friends
love. My problem is - I wanna be different, I always have different dream than
normal one that’s why people call me mad , but I never got courage to share
before others as I felt if other will laugh at me. As my dream is
different, it’s just like day dreaming for a girl. So I never got courage
to share, but now I am getting courage due to internet, as through this I can
hope that I can beg help to others help me. It’s a kind of mutual cooperation. My
dreams are crazy even my thoughts that’s why few understand me , so through
internet I am searching my type of people , who can understand my ideas Now
I have courage to make my dream real, if I could spend my 7-8 years life in
struggling to achieve my dream then why I can’t struggle more 1-2 years to
achieve my dream. Gonna try my best , no matter what situation comes in my life
I’ll never give up , even , if no one help me , I can move where I want to
pursue my dream but no toleration to failure more. So 1 lesson I got from
my life – life give you chance to rise & to become winner, it’s you how you
take it.
This world
is very complicate, so if you wanna rise you have to develop your brain more.
You have to be a better player. I don’t know what’s my future, whether
I’ll get help or not. If I’ll not get any help then I’ll go where ever I
want if I get any opportunity , let my future decide it. I take everyone as one
so I have no problems to work for others but I also want my development too.
It’s a kind of mutual cooperation, when I told I wanna do business, I got less
support. I admire those who support me, as their number is few. I have faith on
myself that I can develop even I can do but I am getting lass support. Now my
hands are bounded with my present dream so let it make real first, after
that I’ll focus on my main dream career , I wanna rise step by step
in my life , as I know I can’t do everything right now , as I lack many
things like Money + more knowledge . I need to be extrovert even I
need to talk with those who already got success in their life in my field what
actually I wanna pursue but before that I have to make myself that much
eligible. But now I can’t do anything. It’s true now I am preparing for
something , if I’ll not get then my life will be more struggling to achieve my
final dream as I know I am belongs to a normal family with high dream so
I have to work as per my dream , I have to rise by own 1st then I can beg
help from others. I know what I wanna do, I know my purpose but it need wing to
fly, it need life to make it real. It only possible after 5-6 months. It’s
difficult to rise alone but not impossible. I am trying that impossible part
still I am getting pleasure within pain. As I know my god is not so rude. Now
everyone laugh at me as I speak a lot even I tell many thing before public that
I’ll do this much but can’t do. I have all answers of all the questions but now
I can’t do even how I can do without any support. This is a big headache, I
have no interest to do business, whatever I gonna do that’s for everyone, that
can help many. May be that’ll turn into business in future but can help many
too. I have many projects what actually I wanna do. Wait for future, if I’ll
not get any support, I have decided to share with those who’ll help me, no
matter who are they where they from. I know you people make take me crazy,
as I speak a lot through my writing. But it’s true, I wanna do even
I have faith on my talent & myself too but I can’t share until unless I
reach at that position. Let me make myself that much eligible. because I know
the world & how it blame , if I try to pursue my dream now I may face many
worst situations & difficulties what I don’t want , even people also call
me mean minded girl , I heard many times this kind of comment which hurt me badly
, so 1st I wanna be that much eligible earn money by own , as I know
my personality & who I am , I may have not too much money but I never lose
my identity & personality to pursue my dream in easy method , I don’t fear
to take challenge , I choose lengthy & struggling path as I ignore easy
path even I can’t handle easy path , I can’t be so much complicated even mean ,
that’s why my life is more painful .
My life is
full of problematic & my failure life is a big reason of delay of my
success. Everything is in my hand- what I choose?
Easy path
to pursue my dream or worthy path to pursue my dream.
I choose
worthy & painful path.
